Well, I haven’t written in a while. I don’t know if that’s okay. This feeling is fine.

I don’t know how many feelings I have anymore. I’m happy when I’m with my friends. I think. Sometimes I just go through life without feeling…. emotions? But, tonight, I am glad I have the feeling to write. Maybe you are glad about that too.

At a port, ships go by. I can look at them and think that they are ugly. I can look at them and think that they are beautiful. The skies are cloudy. It’s about 56 degrees outside, a little windy. I can relax. I can be bothered by the wind.

I can love the weather, like I am supposed to. I can be bored by it. For some reason, I don’t how to look at the ships or the weather. I don’t know how to feel emotions. Like you.

I think that’s okay. Well I don’t know if that’s okay. It’s not okay, is it?

Yesterday, I felt calm for the first time in a while. I was next to a waterfall with one of my best friends. I could feel that she was calm. So I felt calm as well. Maybe that’s how I feel emotions. With other people.

I don’t know why I am crying right now. But that’s good, isn’t it? I’m feeling something. I can still feel sadness. But I worry someday… that’s all I will feel.

Maybe I shouldn’t go there with this post. Maybe I should. I don’t know. I think I already went there. Wait… where is there?

Somewhere. I guess. Some pit of despair, or mountain of joy. It certainly wasn’t a mountain of joy. It was maybe like an alcove in the mountain of joy. An alcove hidden in the shadows of emotions. Whatever that means.

I think it means that even in the mountains of joy, there is still somewhere where you can get lost. Even when you are supposed to be happy where you are, you can’t find that happiness.

But it’s there. It just fell out of your backpack while you were hiking up. Maybe you have to go back and find it. Maybe I have to go back and find it. Because happiness was there at some point, right? Right…?

It was.

Guess what?

I love. I laugh. But mostly, I cry. And that’s alright. I cry because I am happy or because I am sad. Or I cry because… well… I yawn.

I may have fallen off the mountain of joy…. but not into the pit of despair. Into a forest. I imagine the trees smiling. Why are they smiling? Maybe it’s because spring has come. They can grow their leaves again. I love that.

I love that spring is here. Except for the pollen. That can screw right off. For some reason, saying that made me smile. Maybe it’s because nobody likes the pollen. Or at least no human. Right? At least I’m smiling now. Oh crabapples! Saying that makes me smile too.

Guess what?

The ships are still in the port. It is still 56 degrees outside. But now, I’m smiling. Hopefully you are too.

I hope that I can make people smile through my writing. Or cry. Or do something instead of just sit there and read. That’s fine too, actually.

This piece is dedicated to my friend who was with me at the waterfall. And that one Hank Green video that got me in the mood to write this.